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Also ask the CPS for assistance and any numbers can give you. It is not done in an effort to hurt anyone, used with bad intention or control them (the Nar), just to guide the outcome of the situation for the best. I told him dozens of times I would not put with him spending so much time with her and talking to her on the phone every day, and he says theres something wrong with me that I dont accept their friendship. He confides a lot of intimate things to her first before telling me its the whole emotional infidelity thing. 7 Alexia Demidova The Truth: Once you know, you know and can never unlearn it. I know a side of him that he can not hide from me, however the ugly side wins more often these days and so I reach for a new life with less turmoil and frustration. As you can imagine finances have been a total mess and Im trying to save bits at a time for your book. Where are you now? He was mad, but he has not been pushing this limit since. I talk about this in depth in Back From the Looking Glass sometimes it takes time until you find the right person to help. Get strong. Just last night he tried to manipulate me again into lending him more money by setting the stage thru being super sweet cooking and cleaning and then bamm, here he goes again. Ironic, isnt it, how many stories there are and yet in the midst of such circumstances we can feel so isolated. I thought things would change they dont. - Listen to How to hold a Narcissist accountable..Holding a Narcissist accountable requires having some type of leverage against them by The Narcissists' Code instantly on your tablet, phone or . Its hard to know the right steps to heal oneself and have taken many wrong turns in this regard. Thanks for writing MJ and congratulations on your new found courage and strength! Only through Gods grace can I continually forgive him over and over. They cannot put themselves into your shoes and feel or understand. No amount of behavioural changes will alter that brain function however if the N person needs you in their life I think you will be able to make the relationship work by managing the impact of their cognitive disability on your self. Another common way for a narcissist's lack of accountability in relationships is to withhold from you as a form of punishment. So many times he had me convenced that I am the crazy one, when contridicting himself, lying, when all the while the intuition told me, I should trust my instincts to believe him, so I blindly trusted him to find out I was lied to over and over again. I felt the need to give it to him as part of the seperation process for me. Aue, what to do when theres a little one involved? One of the most frustrating things about living, loving or working with a person with the signs of Narcissistic Personality Disorder can be their lack of accountability. Instead, refocus on yourself and on rebuilding a better life (not for the narcissist, but for you). Oh my gosh I can relate to Joan. I do have two children from my previous marriage so I have to make sure our home is in order and there is food LOL, so to have him have natural consequences for example there not being food is not an option. I hope everyone reading this blog is able to share a genuine laugh or smile today. Holding narcissists ACCOUNTABLE: the DARVO method DoctorRamani 1.26M subscribers Subscribe 10K Share 174K views 2 months ago SIGN UP FOR MY HEALING PROGRAM:. I am constantly lowering my expectations but I wont compromise my safety,tranquility and emotional stability. I suppose that I feel that Ive lived the giving mantra for long enough to build up some trust with him, and that now it is time to add some amount of holding him accountable. Living with individuals with NPD means accepting the facts of 1) being the only adult in the relationship and 2) giving empathy and recieving empathy. Ive been involved with a total narcissist. Thx Kim. A parable says, A leach has two sisters. 13 1 Sponsored by TruthFinder Have you ever googled yourself? 4. 12 Ways to Break a Narcissist's Heart 1 Ignore their forms of manipulation. I have returned to college studying the medical field, I am on the honour role which opens my eyes to the fact that I am not dumb and stupid like he drummed into my head for so many years. Granted, I cant honestly say I could have done anything differently because by the time I did that, I had nothing left from years of dealing with his disorders. Hi Marie and welcome (-: I hope that understanding will help bring you to a place where you can begin to heal the hurt and move on. This can be extremely frustrating and took me a long time to learn how to deal with and I want to share what I have learned about dealing with this today. They complimented you, insisted on your compatibility, and made you feel special. Nobody owes you self-denial of gratification, that is simply your own fascist narcissism at work and is an outgrowth of your insecurity. I have just stood by and finally let it all happen to him. I said you dont have to pretend or lie anymore to anyone because I will speak for you and I will give you a chance to get the rest you need. I can now have an evening in and not feel insecure because Im learning who I am and strangely with his silencing since our last split Ive realised I need to find me. Unfortunately, my marriage held no hope. I had my ex boyfriend arrested for assault. I have also read kims info and much more. I dont tolerate stupidity anymore, from myself nor others. The narcissist's inability to act conscientiously in a relationship illuminates his or her lack of empathy. You need to get Back from the Looking Glass, 10 Steps to Overcome Codependence and The Love Safety Net Workbook ASAP. So stop stalking them on social media or asking mutual friends about them. These people arent logical. a discussion ,and Therefore he responds by attacking me which makes him feel superior. I did and you talked to her on her birthday and I was so glad you made her feel loved. This was accelerated when I started studying to be a teacher and earn a better wage (planning for when I could leave him). I think that is why i am attracted to these kind of people. I moved to Minnesota to help her because she is 70 now and had rotator cuff surgery. However if they perceive that they do not need you to feel secure and happy you had better find a way to get out quickly because they have no incentive to check their behaviour. A good way to understand how to make a narcissist miserable is to spring the occasional surprise on them. Surprise him to a treat and see how he responds, put some spice into your lives, take the initiative and action to turn the relationship around. My quandry now is the see saw that I am on with him, believe it or not he actually has admitted to me that he knows hes difficult to live with but then he goes back to being Dr. Jekyl this is causing such an absolute drainage on me sometimes I truly want to give-up. I have naturally done everything they tell you to to try to get a glimmer of anything out of him. More importantly, they have no affective empathythe ability to feel what another person is feelingmuch less have compassion for others. Like a fool I tried to withdraw the charges but the state took over and would not allow it. You told me you didnt have the money to buy her anything. I wonder if maybe there is something else you wish to gain in doing so.?. I cant help but notice how many women are saying what they are doing wrong by getting angry. Thanks everybody for sharing. So then, you cannot hold someone accountable who will not be held accountable. He resented me for ever requesting counseling or that I expected him to continue to keep his word. Its not a break up. Si niw I said that I would be his fruend fire er and with that, im o.k. Ann, I hear ya on missing the good. As for your car I would make a statement to the police and say it is necessary they investigate this for your insurance claim. I am assertive and have boundaries, yet none of the above techniques worked. - Listen to How to hold a Narcissist accountable..Holding a Narcissist accountable requires having some type of leverage against them by The Narcissists' Code instantly on your tablet, phone or . This is possibly the most important thing you can do as you learn how to be the asshole when co-parenting with a borderline or narcissist. Do not warn him about this or he may have time to make up a story. I told you I would lend you half of the repo and you had to pay half, which I did. Because I want him to relax and be himself. Thanks for listening, and thanks Kim for continuing to keep this subject alive with informative articles and discussions. Welcome my channel! My problem is as much as we want to move on, we cant because he wont stop contacting us, harassing myself and the kids and we have no protection. Im hurting and I dont know what to do. Then what if they break the promise? Thank you all of giving me my life back, especially Kim. If this is your first time seeing my face o. Getting my narcissist significant other to be accountable will never happen. I tried so hard and have read all your ebooks but nothing worked until i have just said enough is enough. Hes so consumed in his own feelings he actually believes that I hurt him and he is suffering more than I could know, which gives him license to be mean(er). Hi Debbie Of course you should part if you feel that way! When I was looking for it and asked you, you said you didnt see it. I pray my own daughter never marry a man like. Going from being a family to no barely no communication at all had started to confuse me and my daughter who longed to spend time with N who a month ago and a half ago started talking about reconciling, but suddenly as of a month ago, became evasive, unresponsive, and completely absent from the family life we created. _ I find that most people suffering from codependence are Chronically ill. Hi my friend is the love if my life,but i know without a doubt that he is nsrcussistu. Im going out for a sandwich and coffee. I see Absolutely zero accountability for his very mean abusive behavior from him and no desire to do so either. It should be stressed however that this . Hi Kate That is a great question. I am so sorry to hear this Aspen, This is why we put so much stress on you being calm and very careful in how you approach the police. Thank you!. When I ask him about his resistance he replies that hes he scared. After they are grown you can have whatever unhealthy or healhty relationship you want its your choice. I heard her talk to him one time and knew he was suffering with a monster too. If I had to write about everything that I had to endure at the hands of the woman I love so much it would take a long time. I think if I respond with a more idiotic statement, the liars will see the light. Narcissists have a very low tolerance for anyone questioning or debating them. I said that I would speak for him and get the whole world off his back and all he had to do was be quiet and useful and learn what it was like at home with him not around. In this Narcissistic form of social justice, holding personal accountability as an activist, is viewed as an automatic, one-down position, where the oppressor has "won". Its so hard to accept that it was no more than a performance. !He shows no remorse,money is his God'(he grew up very poor)I undestand that and that it wasnt his fault.He is very verbally and emotionally abusive,to the point that I cant describe the hurt and humiliation.What u r saying Kim abt bringing a third party in wld make him laugh.He has called the police on me and turned the whole issue around so I got no help there.Ive been to counselling,healing all on my own cos he refuses to go cos theres nothing wrong with him.He is very,very crude and says as a married man he has his rights and if a wife dsnt have sex(never make love)with her husband he has to go looking elsewhere for it.He cuts me to the quick with his slander,always belittling me and constantly puts me down.He referss to me in company as the thing or the wife.I know pple think and look at me like Im crazy and its becoming embarrasing to tell them cos its like going around in circles.Also,he is such a nice guy,pple think he is wonderful and I am looked at as the miserable bitch(excuse the language)that he puts up with.Sadly he has been my one and only love.PPle say leave him and move onbut,move on to whatat my age and stage in life it isnt easy.And yes I love him and do know there is so much good in him. He does not respect anyone.. Ive learned from reading all of these articles that screaming for him to hear me, complaining he doesnt listen, etc. I have been working on our attachment and his security to me before I say anything. I couldnt believe what I heard coming from him. I want to make the right move at this critical point in our relationship. He doesnt want to decide because then he has to be accountable I know that much. Of course that is not going to work and is not really a boundary at all. I couldnt do it for him, it had to come to him. Thank you Kim and Steve for your inspirational insights Im trying to hang in there!!!! I finally questioned it. I only realized what narcissism is about when my current boyfriend told me he was a narcissist , I didnt get it at first. I am becoming the woman I was when we met the one he hated. There is no going forward in the relationship as he is unable to discuss any situation or take responsibilty for his behave. MARIE, Never be afraid of the consequences they (Nar) will have to suffer for their own faulty decisions, it will only help them. I wonder if the women he is having affairs with are married? He was able to respect them for several weeksthen quickly deteriorated to the same behaviors, but worse. I saw that and I used that knowledge to my advantage. Im here to look for tools, connect with people with common problems, AND offer my unique story as well. Do these people actually know what they are doing? "I definitely attribute some of my anxiety to this. I have been doing when you suggested here. He broke up with her and I am so glad but she wont move on. My husband and I have been married for quite some time now. When anything goes wrong i cant even imply it was his fault. You really need the steps in Back From the Looking Glass. I left him four months ago , but somehow I found myself in a state of sadness and heart brokenness I have never thought I can handle for such a long time . But, we cant lose the business either. After my split from my ex I met this guy from a dating website over year ago and thought I found my perfect soul mate Three months into the relationship things started to go really strange. He will never change, so the question is, are you willing and capable of putting all your dreams, goals and morals aside for a boyfriend. So hard to get out of my marriage for many reasons. But looking back, I guess Ive loved a few of them and I am just now seeing it. Ive lived with this for 24+ years and I have had it. It means that someone needs to read your post before it is displayed that is usually me but not always if I am busy (-: We do that to make sure abusive comments are kept off this blog and that this is a safe place! I did this wrong more than once before, I wanted to leave him four times already out of anger, out of fear and just in the heat of the moment, when we were arguing. He will blame me instead of himself. Liar! I said that is impossible and he said are you sure you didnt forget the banking? He is a disbarred attorney who signed an amicable divorce decree but of course, has refused to pay a penny and has left us in a mess. Sigh:). To hold yourself accountable, you may choose to tell a trusted friend about ending the relationship or do something too "final" to backtrack too easily on (such as signing the lease on a new apartment far away from the narcissist or blocking them on all social media channels - any step that reminds you of how far you've come and will . Mostly, I hope you will, if youre reading this. He was a wonderful, handsome man. Ofcourse that did not go over well. The 2nd counselor I went to by myself(after the couples attempt, where he wanted to be friends) told me he was likely a narcissist. We are only committed to a few people as a couple. I look at it like a job now. But I still miss him so am venerable and just hope I get stronger. How can we summon up the courage, maintain an empathically attuned state of. Do not make it a call for help for yourself or they may suspect you are trying to manipulate them. I have never loved nor despised a man as much as my n I was told that Your friends have told me you have drinking issues and you are not in control and Im worried about you This was said in a romantic restaurant in central London so Sandy stormed out and ran away.. (storm no 1) Then I was told that Im not conforming and I should accept him for who he is and was immediately slighted for not complying to his needs Storm no 2 On this one he persuaded me into the car and verbally abused me for an hour whilst locking me into the car Ive had telephone calls at the middle of the night for 3 hours with him trying to explain his point of view because I just dont get it Its a sad thing being codependent but Im now aware of my upbringing and why I always look for men to approve me. I started planning that when we meet for anything it would be in a public place. I will be around as I keep working and learning. I am so grateful for all the support I have received here in the USA and looking forward to passing on strength, compassion and support. How can you prevent this person raping you again? When he was alcholic and drunk he would do the stupid lying stuff, but when sober and caught he could at least give bits of the truthwho knows. . I read and read and readI find myself wishing he would hit me so I would have a definable reason to leave, something our adult children would understand. Each day I ask God for grace to get through my day. My next step is to purchase The Love Safety Net Workbook. Its okay, he doesnt have to believe it. We also went to counselling, and he pretended to engage and apologize and to own his actions just enough to keep me around. As that happens they will most likely begin treating you differently and seeing that they need to earn your respect too. They get furious when you seek answers to just about anything. Holding accountable? Like you I dont want sex with him, but feel that to deny it too often is the same thing as withholding my love. I will pray for you! After a 13 year marriage my narcissistic ex confessed to an affair throughout. Sometimes we could go for months without one good day. And michelle I know just where you are coming from as well. Never listens to a single word I say. He is already beginning to poison them as punishment or me. Granted he has almost destroyed me mentally but Physically no. But I just feel like Im still the one doing all the work. Just incase you are still not clear why I am ending this relationship and you are feeling sorry for yourself let me show you why. Hey Kim! He will never admit hes wrong. Despite the difficulties of this life, I love my husband and do not want to leave him. Hi Marje and welcome to our site, Write down what first triggered you getting angry and then go and do something to cheer yourself up and forget about him for awhile. Im human. 5) During that second move, you got mad at me again and watched my 11 year old daughter who had been on her feet for two days, with 4 hours of sleep and having a cold. Da, I could have written your story You are me. to lie to me, break your promises and treat me badly for asking you to keep your promise. He left and came back many times, but made a fool of me three months ago for the last time. Many of them have legal advocates that help you with your situation. But really, I am just angry and hurt. Is there law enforcement in your area that are likely to believe and protect you or is exposing the rape going to put you in further danger? 11) Since my son was going to eventually get my old car and your car was part of the bankruptcy and they were going to take it, I suggested that I buy a new car 10 month earlier than I needed too. I felt like I had every DSM diagnosis there is in the months immediately after his leaving, the other woman, and what seemed like torturous behavior (he turned really mean)! I told them he wasnt ready and needed to learn how to be a father and husband first.